What waas it that got me here? Was it my own deliberate choices or was it some sort of deterministic/fatalistic force(s) operating outside of my control? Am I just another piece of the jigsaw? (Allinallyourejustanotherbrickinthewall) I...
The thought that I'm not my own fate maker in some ways terrifies me and in other ways brings me great comfort. I'm not a fuck up because of my choices but the choices of others (which in turn are not their own choices). Everything I am I was fated too be. I have no free will. Ha, if you ever needed a reason to do heroin, there it is.
Yes, doctor. That is my reason for addiction to deadly narcotics--being merely a puppet wielded by fate.
Do we at least have the ability to change our fates? Maybe destiny works in that everyone has one, but they also have ability to say yes or no to it. If so are we allowed to change our minds? Can we say No only to say Yes at a later date. After further inquiry. Is there a time limit we have to make this decision? Is it ever too late?
MAybe I just need saving. To know that someone truly cares enough about me, even though they don't have to, to go out of their way to try and protect me. Isn't that what love is? And doesn't everyone just want to be loved? I guess the problem is that I'm unsavable and hence unlovable. There's something in me that turns other people away. That poisons my chance for any of that. I guess that could just be me being overly dramatic or emo. But it could also be true. It'd sure explain a lot.
I used to think self-mutilation was stupid and ineffective, then I tried it. I'm addicted to cigarette burns. When flesh is being burnt, it's hard to focus on anything else.
LORD. Is there power in Jesus? The tragic hero of compassion?
LORD. Is there power in Jesus? The tragic hero of compassion?
ithinkitsTIMEfortheHOSPITALforme
Lord Buddha, Lord Kafka. Why hast thou forsaken me? To what gray beach have I been cast aside to inhabit, undying unchanging, for all eternity until the end of days and armageddon
iwishiwasstillachildandknewnoneofthis
PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!
one day you have it, and then you don't.
at the bottom of the ocean you might find a pearl
don't let your heart get broken by this world.